My Note to Parents

I haven’t posted her in quite some time, mostly to just due to the business that consumes my life these days, but there is something that has been weighing heavily on my heart for a while now and with all the tragedies in the media lately I feel I must get this out. If I’m stepping on anyone’s toes… too bad.

I remember holding my oldest son first the first time right after he was born. My doctor had to perform an emergency C-section after trying to push for 30 minutes. M’s heart rate would drop every time I pushed and he just wasn’t coming into this world easily. After the surgery, the doctors whisked him away to do all their doctor stuff while I was placed in recovery (and not to mention totally out of it). After they finally had me in our room where we would remain for the duration of our hospital stay, a nurse wheeled him into the room and placed him in my arms. My first thought was

“Oh my god. I am solely responsible for this tiny human being.”

It’s all exciting and fun finding out you’re expecting. Eventually the pregnancy turns into misery while you wait for those weeks to pass in anticipation of the arrival of this tiny bundle of joy. But nothing prepares you for that initial dose of reality when you hear those first cries and hold this tiny miracle for the first time. Shit just got real.

My personal experience was that I had never realized just deeply, how unconditionally, how FAST I could fall in love with a person I had never met before. It was instantaneous. My “Mama Bear” personality was alive. I knew from that second on that I would never, ever let anything or anyone hurt my child and I would do everything in my power to make him happy, love him with all my heart, and protect him with every inch of my being.

Welcome to motherhood.

In my, now, six years as a mother, and a second baby later, motherhood has been a learning process. I am still learning every single day. Have I screwed up? Yes. Have I lost patience? Yes, many times. Have I had to apologize to my child? Most definitely. Am I the perfect mother? No. Have I tried to be the best mother I can possibly be?

Every. Single. Day.

You see, when you choose to bring another life into this world, you are making the conscience decision to take on all the responsibilities that come with keeping another human being alive. It is your duty. Your job. Your life’s purpose to protect them, nurture them, love them. It should be your goal every single day to be an even better parent than you were the day before. Always raise that bar. Raise your children knowing that you have given them a wonderful childhood and that they will grow up to be happy, healthy adults (they will remember their childhood, trust me). Remember, you are raising someone’s future spouse and your future daughter/son-in-law will appreciate it.

But I digress.

My point is that I’m needing an explanation for what is going on in our country right now. I can’t so much as scroll through my news feed without seeing the latest on someone abusing or killing their child. On Father’s Day, a man shoots his two small children and then his wife before turning the gun on himself. Then a man “accidentally” forgets his 22-month-old in his car for 7 hours. Then a woman pushes her one-year-old out the window of her moving vehicle. Another woman has now had her newborn taken away because she was starving it.

Excuse me for one second…

WHAT THE HELL?!

It is not in me to understand how you could harm a child; your own or otherwise. And how do you forget about your child?! (I seriously won’t go into the many endless details and feelings I have about that case, but COME ON.)

People, these babies are born completely incapable of doing anything for themselves. They rely on you to keep them alive. To feed them. To protect them. To be their everything. And in return, you receive the greatest thing you can ever experience in your life: unconditional love. To have these tiny people look up to you, trust you, love you… how can you betray something like that? It’s precious. It’s rare. It’s priceless. And it’s the whole freaking reason for existing.

If you don’t feel this way, don’t have children! OR, here’s a novel idea, give them up so that someone else can have the opportunity to love them. There’s plenty of people out there desperately wishing they could have a child of their own and are unable, and there you are mistreating yours? 

They say not to judge because you don’t know all the facts or you aren't in their shoes. To this I say,

Oh, I’m judging alright.

I don’t care. There is a big difference between tragic accidents and negligence. None of the examples mentioned are “tragic accidents.” None. It’s simple stupidity, laziness, and sadistic negligence.

I’ll stop here. I just can’t wrap my head around what is going on in the world. I know that we can’t save them all. We can’t protect them all. The only thing we can do is be the best we can be for our own children. But parent-to-parent, I challenge you to step up your game. Be a better mom and dad than you were yesterday. Put down your phone and pay more attention to them. Play with them. Listen to them. 

HUG THEM AND TELL THEM YOU LOVE THEM EVERY DAY 

because, frankly, I don’t want to see you on the news too. 

 

 

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Building an Emotionally Safe Household

I came across this article today and just had to share it. It is such a true, eye-opening piece about how we may not realize just how much we influence our children's emotions. Must read!

Building an Emotionally Safe Household

Posted on September 18, 2012by Nathan M McTague, CPCC

My highly esteemed partner, Natalie (that’s her, being the human pillow), wrote the article below for Mothering Magazine (before they went paperless…) and it so perfectly encapsulates the sum total of our approach to being with our kids through all of their emotions — from shivering anxiety to thundering rage to volcanic joy — as well as the kind of atmosphere we strive to create for their best possible emotional development, that I had to share it with you. My apologies to the majority of you, who will no doubt have already read it on Natalie’s blog — but you know best why I had to pass it on to the rest who haven’t seen it yet! Seriously, this is one of those articles that you print off and put on the fridge (maybe even mail it to all the grandparents), share on Facebook or Google+ or whatever, email to all of your parent-friends, bring everywhere — this is world changing parenting information… Please use it with abandon.

Building an Emotionally Safe Household

Feelings are everything. They connect us to our true selves as well as to other human beings. When we recognize our feelings and share them with others, we develop friendships, meaningful bonds, romance, community—all the things that make life worthwhile. As parents, we want to set our children up to revel in these delights. Deep down, we know that math scores aren’t what will carry our daughter through the trial of a breakup, that physical agility or prowess on the violin won’t help our son as he negotiates a conflict at work. For such challenges they will need not test scores and physical strength, but emotional integrity and skills—and we are determined that they have them.

But how?

One place to start is to acknowledge that all feelings are acceptable. This alone may not appear to be much of an obstacle—in theory, it isn’t difficult to see anger as being just as important as happiness—but in practice it’s more difficult. There are hundreds of ways in which parents unconsciously encourage some feelings in their children while discouraging others, only to find that when they really want or need their kids to open up, they’re reluctant to.

Most of us aren’t even aware of the ways in which we discourage our children from truthfully expressing themselves. Our comments, facial expressions, jokes, and reactions—all contribute to our children’s emotional environment. Although our comments and reactions may be subtle, our children take notice of them, and if they don’t feel safe in their surroundings, they may never relate their true feelings.

Here are seven ways to create an environment in which your child will feel comfortable expressing his or her feelings:

1. Let the child lead

Each person is the best judge of her own feelings, including children. It isn’t helpful to tell a child what she is experiencing.

scenario: Girl falls, scrapes knee.

mom: You’re OK! It’s just a little scrape! See? No blood—you’re OK.

Although Mom is trying to be comforting, she’s acting as if it’s she who is in charge of how the girl feels. This is untrue, can be insulting, and gently nudges the child away—not only from expressing her true feelings, but from knowing what those feelings might be.

“You’re OK!” is a common example. If you find yourself saying this or the equivalent, it’s probably because your child is not OK with the situation. If a child is upset, it’s a disservice to her to tell her that she is not upset—that she’s “OK.”

instead: Oh! You fell! Are you OK?

2. Stop prompting

Just as leading a child toward what the child is feeling can be avoided, so can prompting your child about what you think he should feel. When a child is given a present or is complimented by someone, it’s common for a parent to place himself in the background of the interaction and indicate that the child should smile (!) and be pleased. The parent uses face, hands, and body language to demonstrate the feeling “appropriate” to the occasion.

Instead, try a more neutral facial expression and wait to see how your child actually feels about this situation. The best way to illustrate that all feelings are acceptable is to allow their expression, no matter what is dictated by social norms.

That said, even if we accept a child’s emotional response to a gift, we might still want him to show appreciation. This is perfectly natural, but if a discussion about social customs is necessary, it should be kept separate from the expression of feelings. Appreciation for a gift, or concern for the gift-giver’s feelings when a gift isn’t enjoyed, will come naturally to a child who has been allowed to experience the full expression of his own feelings. This kind of concern, commonly referred to as empathy, is a natural response for children who themselves have been treated empathetically. An empathic response to an unwanted gift is one that shows appreciation, not one that quashes one’s true feelings.

If you’d like to demonstrate your own appreciation for the gift your child has received, don’t try to control his expression of his feelings in order to express your own appreciation. You can make your feelings of appreciation known to the gift-giver in your own way.

3. Quit shushing

It’s perfectly normal for humans to be upset, cry, even sob and wail. Refrain from saying “Sssshhhh, sssshhhh” to help a child feel better. Outside of attempting to provide for an infant’s physical needs, make no effort, verbal or otherwise, to persuade her to stop crying, as this may tell her that the strong feelings that have caused her to weep are unacceptable.

Instead, hold her and give her empathy: “You seem so sad about that.” If the child is too loud for the surroundings, remove her from the environment without giving the impression that this is a punishment. In addition, remain with the child so that she doesn’t feel abandoned in her grief. Give her all the time she needs to feel her sadness and let it out completely.

4. No more name-calling

Do not label your child for expressing his emotions, no matter how annoying (to you) those expressions may be, or even if you consider your names for him “harmless” or cute.

name-calling: Henry, stop being such a whiner! I told you dinner wasn’t ready yet. If you’d leave me alone instead of whining at me, I’d have it done already!

instead: Henry, I know you’re hungry. You’re frustrated that dinner is taking so long. I’m trying my hardest to hurry, but I’m pretty distracted by talking to you about when dinner will be ready. I think if you found something to do, time would pass more quickly, and I’d be able to concentrate better and get it done faster.

Another example:

name-calling: You silly goose! Pants are for your legs, not your head! You’re such a silly goose.

instead: Are you making a joke? Pants usually go on your legs, not your head, right?! That’s so funny!

5. Resist lauding

Parents want their children to feel loved and encouraged, and praise is one of the ways we hope to achieve this. But praising expressions of emotion, however subtly, can have the opposite effect. If you value one sort of emotion over another, your child will quickly understand that some feelings are worthy of praise, while others should be avoided. When difficult feelings arise, children who have been earlier praised for expressing more acceptable emotional states may add concern for a parent’s potential displeasure to an already uncomfortable emotional load and not express them at all. Knowing that her parents will accept her no matter what she’s feeling is perhaps the greatest comfort a child can have.

Be careful with your wording when talking about a child’s emotional reaction:

lauding: You were so brave at the dentist today! You didn’t even cry one bit! I am so proud of you!

instead: What did you think of the dentist today? How was it for you?

Another example:

lauding: Good job, honey! All those strangers were talking to you, and you weren’t shy at all. You answered all of their questions. Good for you!

 instead: Wow. A lot of strangers were talking to you today. I noticed you seemed to feel comfortable answering all of their questions. Did you enjoy that?

6. Beware of judging

Watch for subtle cues you may give a child that reveal your judgment of his emotional expressions. Even if not expressed directly, criticism can be felt by those at whom it’s directed. A child can listen and watch closely, especially when he knows or suspects that he is the subject of an adult conversation. This is why it is important to maintain neutrality in your words and tone, even when discussing your child’s feelings with another parent or friend.

judging: Sorry we’re late. My son had a total meltdown over a missing sippy cup. [rolls eyes, looks exasperated] But we finally made it! 

instead: Sorry we’re late. We couldn’t find a sippy cup that’s really important to my son. He was pretty upset about it, and it took us a while to sort that out. But I’m glad we made it!

Remain loyal to your child and his emotional health; don’t sacrifice him for the sake of a laugh, or as a way to apologize to someone else. Show him that his feelings are valued by presenting those feelings in an honorable manner. If you need empathy for yourself for a particularly long and difficult day or a trying moment, find or create a private opportunity in which you can describe the details, laugh, or exaggerate.

7. Express yourself

A child can learn a lot by watching the people around her, so teach her by expressing your own feelings honestly. Don’t hide or dismiss your own emotional state.

suppressing: Oh, honey, Mama’s fine. I know I was crying, but it’s nothing. Did you finish the TV show? Are you hungry?

instead: Yes, I’m crying. I feel sad. It’s not for you to worry about, honey. I’m sad, but I’m still your Mama, and I can take care of you even if I’m sad.

There’s no need to tell your child all the details of your personal life or financial situation, but by expressing your own true emotions you can model what you’d like to see from her.

Lasting results

When raised in an emotional environment that is consistently and conscientiously made emotionally safe, children will think nothing of not only identifying what they truly feel, but freely expressing those emotions. A household in which emotional freedom is the norm may be a wilder one —emotions are never tidy, and seldom quiet—but the benefits of such freedom are great. In the short term, children who recognize their own feelings develop empathy for others, and can make generosity, appreciation, and resolution of conflicts natural parts of their day. In the long term, emotionally healthy children have a better chance of growing into successful, fulfilled, dynamic adults who are able to negotiate all the social challenges of life. What more could a parent want for them?

Article can be viewed at http://locallocale.wordpress.com/2012/09/18/building-an-emotionally-safe-household-parenting-advice/.

Surprise, surprise!

Best Advice Ever For Parents

"Let's raise children who don't have to recover from their childhoods." -Pam Leo

So... I have this four- almost five-year-old son... and he's... stubborn? Hardheaded? Strong-willed? Too much like his mother? Whatever you call it, it is challenging for Chris and I to handle him sometimes. If you try to be patient and talk through episodes with children you are said to be coddling them or "babying" them - "They need DISCIPLINE!" You try disciplining them and suddenly you're being too harsh or "it's unhealthy for their wellbeing." Geez. So I'm still left with the question of WHAT DO I DO?! 

While on my nightly ritual of perusing Pinterest, I came across a pin about an article addressing "Parenting Your Strong-Willed Child." Hmm... yeah, I took the bait. 

Thus I discovered the wonderful website ahaparenting.com by Dr. Laura Markham, a clinical psychologist and mom. Parents, take note. It offers some great insight into understanding why your child acts the way he/she does and how to handle it. There is LOTS of tips, coaching, suggestions, etc. You name it, she has addressed it. Personally, I really like her style. The fact that she's a psychologist helps tremendously by not just telling you what you should in response to your child's actions, but why.

Well enough of that, here is the article that turned me on to her site and maybe it can help you, too. I've learned a lot from reading her stuff and even managed to get Chris to read it (A true feat. You have no idea.). 

Parenting Your Strong-Willed Child

Have a strong-willed child?  You're lucky! Strong willed children can be a challenge to parent when they’re young, but if sensitively parented, they become terrific teens and young adults.  Self-motivated and inner-directed, they go after what they want and are almost impervious to peer pressure.  As long as parents resist the impulse to "break their will," strong-willed kids often become leaders.

What exactly is a strong-willed, or spirited, child?  Some parents call them "difficult" or “stubborn,” but we could also see them as people of integrity who aren't easily swayed from their own viewpoints.  They want desperately to be right, and sometimes will put that desire above everything else. When their heart is set on something, their brains seem to have a hard time switching gears.  They have big, passionate feelings and live at full throttle.

Often, these kids are prone to power-struggles with their parents.  However, it takes two to have a power struggle.  You don't have to attend every argument to which you're invited!  If you can take a deep breath when your buttons get pushed, and remind yourself that you can let your child save face and still get what you want, you can learn to sidestep those power struggles.

Research shows that parents who pay attention can avoid power struggles, even with strong-willed kids, by empathizing as they set limits, giving choices, and clearly offering respect.  Adopting a policy of looking for win/win solutions rather than just laying down the law keeps strong-willed children from becoming explosive and teaches them essential skills of negotiation and compromise.

Strong-willed kids feel their integrity is compromised if they're forced to submit to a parent's will.  And, really, you don't WANT to raise an obedient child.  Of course you want your child to do what you say.  But not because he is obedient, meaning he always does what someone bigger tells him.  No, you want him to do what you say because he trusts YOU, because you are the parent and have his best interests at heart.  You want to raise a child who has self-discipline, takes responsibility, and is considerate -- and most important, has the discernment to figure out when to trust and be influenced by someone else.  Breaking a child's will leaves him open to the influence of others that often will not serve him.  What's more, it's a betrayal of the spiritual contract we make as parents to nurture our child's unique gifts.

That said, strong-willed kids can be a handful -- high energy, challenging, persistent. How do we protect those fabulous qualities and encourage their cooperation?

Ten Tips for Positive Parenting Your Strong-Willed, Spirited Child

1. Avoid power struggles by using routines and rules.  That way, you aren't bossing them around, it’s just that “The rule is we use the potty after every meal and snack,” or “The schedule is that lights-out is at 8 p.m.  If you hurry, we’ll have time for two books,” or "In our house, we finish homework before computer, TV, or telephone time."  The parent stops being the bad guy.

2.  Your strong-willed child wants mastery more than anything.  Let her take charge of as many of her own activities as possible.  Don’t nag at her to brush her teeth, ask “What else do you need to do before we leave?”   If she looks blank, tick off the short list: “Every morning we eat, brush teeth, use the toilet, and pack the backpack.  I saw you pack your backpack, great job!  Now, what do you still need to do before we leave?”  Kids who feel more independent and in charge of themselves will have less need to rebel and be oppositional. Not to mention they take responsibility early.

3.  Give your strong-willed child choices.  If you give orders, he will almost certainly bristle.  If you offer a choice, he feels like the master of his own destiny.  Of course, only offer choices you can live with and don’t let yourself get resentful by handing away your power.  If going to the store is non-negotiable and he wants to keep playing, an appropriate choice is:  “Do you want to leave now or in ten minutes?” 

4. Give her authority over her own body. “I hear that you don’t want to wear your jacket today.  I think it is cold and I am definitely wearing a jacket.  Of course, you are in charge of your own body, as long as you stay safe and healthy, so you get to decide whether to wear a jacket.  But I’m afraid that you will be cold once we are outside, and I won’t want to come back to the house.  How about I put your jacket in the backpack, and then we’ll have it if you change your mind?”  She’s not going to get pneumonia, unless you push her into it by acting like you've won if she asks for the jacket.  And once she won’t lose face by wearing her jacket, she’ll be begging for it once she gets cold.  It’s just hard for her to imagine feeling cold when she’s so warm right now in the house, and a jacket seems like such a hassle. She's sure she's right -- her own body is telling her so -- so naturally she resists you.  You don't want to undermine that self-confidence, just teach her that there's no shame in letting new information change your mind.

5. Don't push him into opposing you.  If you take a hard and fast position, you can easily push your child into defying you, just to prove a point.  You'll know when it's a power struggle and you're invested in winning.  Just stop, take a breath, and remind yourself that winning a battle with your child always sets you up to lose what’s most important: the relationship.  When in doubt say "Ok, you can decide this for yourself."  If he can't, then say what part of it he can decide, or find another way for him to meet his need for autonomy without compromising his health or safety.

6. Side step power struggles by letting your child save face.  You don’t have to prove you’re right. You can, and should, set reasonable expectations and enforce them.  But under no circumstances should you try to break your child’s will or force him to acquiesce to your views.  He has to do what you want, but he's allowed to have his own opinions and feelings about it.

7.  Listen to her. You, as the adult, might reasonably presume you know best.  But your strong-willed child has a strong will partly as a result of her integrity. She has a viewpoint that is making her hold fast to her position, and she is trying to protect something that seems important to her. Only by listening calmly to her and reflecting her words will you come to understand what’s making her oppose you.  A non-judgmental “I hear that you don’t want to take a bath.  Can you tell me more about why?” might just elicit the information that she’s afraid she’ll go down the drain, like Alice in the song. It may not seem like a good reason to you, but she has a reason.  And you won’t find it out if you get into a clash and order her into the tub.

8.  See it from his point of view.  For instance, he may be angry because you promised to wash his superman cape and then forgot.  To you, he is being stubborn.  To him, he is justifiably upset, and you are being hypocritical, because he is not allowed to break his promises to you.  How do you clear this up and move on?  You apologize profusely for breaking your promise, you reassure him that you try very hard to keep your promises, and you go, together, to wash the cape.  You might even teach him how to wash his own clothes! Just consider how would you want to be treated, and treat him accordingly.

9. Discipline through the relationship, never through punishment. Kids don’t learn when they’re in the middle of a fight.  Like all of us, that’s when adrenaline is pumping and learning shuts off.  Kids behave because they want to please us.  The more you fight with and punish your child, the more you undermine her desire to please you.

10. Offer him respect and empathy. Most strong-willed children are fighting for respect.   If you offer it to them, they don’t need to fight to protect their position.  And, like the rest of us, it helps a lot if they feel understood.  If you see his point of view and think he's wrong -- for instance, he wants to wear the superman cape to synagogue and you think that's inappropriate -- you can still offer him empathy and meet him part way while you set the limit. "You love this cape and wish you could wear it, don't you?  But when we go to Temple we dress up, and we can't wear the cape.  I know you'll miss wearing it.  How about we take it with us so you can wear it on our way home?"

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One more thing, in a separate article "Helping Your Child With Anger," there are a couple of tips in it that REALLY struck home with me. We are guilty of doing this. I know now that's it's a bad idea and are going to approach these situations entirely different from now on.

3. Never send a child away to "calm down" by herself. Remember that kids need your love most when they "deserve it least." Instead of a "time out," which gives kids the message that they're all alone with these big, scary feelings, try a "time in," during which you stay with your child and help him move through his feelings.  You'll be amazed at how your child begins to show more self control when you adopt this practice, because he feels less helpless and alone.

4. Stay close and connected when your child is upset.  If you know what's going on, acknowledge it: "You are so angry that your tower fell." If you don't know, say what you see: "You are crying now." Give explicit permission: "It's ok, everyone needs to cry (or gets mad, or feels very sad) sometimes. I will stay right here while you get all your sads and mads out." If you can touch him, do so to maintain the connection: "Here's my hand on your back. You're safe. I'm here." If he yells at you to go away, say: "You want me to go away. I will step back like this. But I am right here. I won't leave you alone with these big scary feelings."

"Let's raise children who don't have to recover from their childhoods."

-Pam Leo

20 Things A Mother Should Tell Her Son

1. You will set the tone for the sexual relationship, so don't take something away from her that you can't give back.

2. Play a sport.  It will teach you how to win honorably, lose gracefully, respect authority, work with others, manage your time and stay out of trouble.   And maybe even throw or catch.

3. Use careful aim when you pee.  Somebody's got to clean that up, you know.

4. Save money when you're young because you're going to need it someday.  

5. Allow me to introduce you to the dishwasher, oven, washing machine, iron, vacuum, mop and broom.  Now please go use them.

6. Accept responsibility for your actions and always apologize when you should.

7. Don't ever be a bully and don't ever start a fight, but if some idiot clocks you, please defend yourself.

8. Your knowledge and education is something that nobody can take away from you.

9. Treat women kindly.  Forever is a long time to live alone and it's even longer to live with somebody who hates your guts.

10. Take pride in your appearance.

11. Be strong and tender at the same time.

12. A woman can do everything that you can do.  This includes her having a successful career and you changing diapers at 3 A.M.  Mutual respect is the key to a good relationship.

13. "Yes ma'am" and "yes sir" still go a long way.

14. The reason that they're called "private parts" is because they're "private".  Please do not scratch them in public.

15. Peer pressure is a scary thing.  Be a good leader and others will follow.

16. Bringing her flowers for no reason is always a good idea.

17. Be patriotic.

18. Potty humor isn't the only thing that's humorous. 

19. Please choose your spouse wisely.  My daughter-in-law will be the gatekeeper for me spending time with you and my grandchildren.

20. Remember to call your mother because I might be missing you.