"Let's raise children who don't have to recover from their childhoods." -Pam Leo

So... I have this four- almost five-year-old son... and he's... stubborn? Hardheaded? Strong-willed? Too much like his mother? Whatever you call it, it is challenging for Chris and I to handle him sometimes. If you try to be patient and talk through episodes with children you are said to be coddling them or "babying" them - "They need DISCIPLINE!" You try disciplining them and suddenly you're being too harsh or "it's unhealthy for their wellbeing." Geez. So I'm still left with the question of WHAT DO I DO?! 

While on my nightly ritual of perusing Pinterest, I came across a pin about an article addressing "Parenting Your Strong-Willed Child." Hmm... yeah, I took the bait. 

Thus I discovered the wonderful website ahaparenting.com by Dr. Laura Markham, a clinical psychologist and mom. Parents, take note. It offers some great insight into understanding why your child acts the way he/she does and how to handle it. There is LOTS of tips, coaching, suggestions, etc. You name it, she has addressed it. Personally, I really like her style. The fact that she's a psychologist helps tremendously by not just telling you what you should in response to your child's actions, but why.

Well enough of that, here is the article that turned me on to her site and maybe it can help you, too. I've learned a lot from reading her stuff and even managed to get Chris to read it (A true feat. You have no idea.). 

Parenting Your Strong-Willed Child

Have a strong-willed child?  You're lucky! Strong willed children can be a challenge to parent when they’re young, but if sensitively parented, they become terrific teens and young adults.  Self-motivated and inner-directed, they go after what they want and are almost impervious to peer pressure.  As long as parents resist the impulse to "break their will," strong-willed kids often become leaders.

What exactly is a strong-willed, or spirited, child?  Some parents call them "difficult" or “stubborn,” but we could also see them as people of integrity who aren't easily swayed from their own viewpoints.  They want desperately to be right, and sometimes will put that desire above everything else. When their heart is set on something, their brains seem to have a hard time switching gears.  They have big, passionate feelings and live at full throttle.

Often, these kids are prone to power-struggles with their parents.  However, it takes two to have a power struggle.  You don't have to attend every argument to which you're invited!  If you can take a deep breath when your buttons get pushed, and remind yourself that you can let your child save face and still get what you want, you can learn to sidestep those power struggles.

Research shows that parents who pay attention can avoid power struggles, even with strong-willed kids, by empathizing as they set limits, giving choices, and clearly offering respect.  Adopting a policy of looking for win/win solutions rather than just laying down the law keeps strong-willed children from becoming explosive and teaches them essential skills of negotiation and compromise.

Strong-willed kids feel their integrity is compromised if they're forced to submit to a parent's will.  And, really, you don't WANT to raise an obedient child.  Of course you want your child to do what you say.  But not because he is obedient, meaning he always does what someone bigger tells him.  No, you want him to do what you say because he trusts YOU, because you are the parent and have his best interests at heart.  You want to raise a child who has self-discipline, takes responsibility, and is considerate -- and most important, has the discernment to figure out when to trust and be influenced by someone else.  Breaking a child's will leaves him open to the influence of others that often will not serve him.  What's more, it's a betrayal of the spiritual contract we make as parents to nurture our child's unique gifts.

That said, strong-willed kids can be a handful -- high energy, challenging, persistent. How do we protect those fabulous qualities and encourage their cooperation?

Ten Tips for Positive Parenting Your Strong-Willed, Spirited Child

1. Avoid power struggles by using routines and rules.  That way, you aren't bossing them around, it’s just that “The rule is we use the potty after every meal and snack,” or “The schedule is that lights-out is at 8 p.m.  If you hurry, we’ll have time for two books,” or "In our house, we finish homework before computer, TV, or telephone time."  The parent stops being the bad guy.

2.  Your strong-willed child wants mastery more than anything.  Let her take charge of as many of her own activities as possible.  Don’t nag at her to brush her teeth, ask “What else do you need to do before we leave?”   If she looks blank, tick off the short list: “Every morning we eat, brush teeth, use the toilet, and pack the backpack.  I saw you pack your backpack, great job!  Now, what do you still need to do before we leave?”  Kids who feel more independent and in charge of themselves will have less need to rebel and be oppositional. Not to mention they take responsibility early.

3.  Give your strong-willed child choices.  If you give orders, he will almost certainly bristle.  If you offer a choice, he feels like the master of his own destiny.  Of course, only offer choices you can live with and don’t let yourself get resentful by handing away your power.  If going to the store is non-negotiable and he wants to keep playing, an appropriate choice is:  “Do you want to leave now or in ten minutes?” 

4. Give her authority over her own body. “I hear that you don’t want to wear your jacket today.  I think it is cold and I am definitely wearing a jacket.  Of course, you are in charge of your own body, as long as you stay safe and healthy, so you get to decide whether to wear a jacket.  But I’m afraid that you will be cold once we are outside, and I won’t want to come back to the house.  How about I put your jacket in the backpack, and then we’ll have it if you change your mind?”  She’s not going to get pneumonia, unless you push her into it by acting like you've won if she asks for the jacket.  And once she won’t lose face by wearing her jacket, she’ll be begging for it once she gets cold.  It’s just hard for her to imagine feeling cold when she’s so warm right now in the house, and a jacket seems like such a hassle. She's sure she's right -- her own body is telling her so -- so naturally she resists you.  You don't want to undermine that self-confidence, just teach her that there's no shame in letting new information change your mind.

5. Don't push him into opposing you.  If you take a hard and fast position, you can easily push your child into defying you, just to prove a point.  You'll know when it's a power struggle and you're invested in winning.  Just stop, take a breath, and remind yourself that winning a battle with your child always sets you up to lose what’s most important: the relationship.  When in doubt say "Ok, you can decide this for yourself."  If he can't, then say what part of it he can decide, or find another way for him to meet his need for autonomy without compromising his health or safety.

6. Side step power struggles by letting your child save face.  You don’t have to prove you’re right. You can, and should, set reasonable expectations and enforce them.  But under no circumstances should you try to break your child’s will or force him to acquiesce to your views.  He has to do what you want, but he's allowed to have his own opinions and feelings about it.

7.  Listen to her. You, as the adult, might reasonably presume you know best.  But your strong-willed child has a strong will partly as a result of her integrity. She has a viewpoint that is making her hold fast to her position, and she is trying to protect something that seems important to her. Only by listening calmly to her and reflecting her words will you come to understand what’s making her oppose you.  A non-judgmental “I hear that you don’t want to take a bath.  Can you tell me more about why?” might just elicit the information that she’s afraid she’ll go down the drain, like Alice in the song. It may not seem like a good reason to you, but she has a reason.  And you won’t find it out if you get into a clash and order her into the tub.

8.  See it from his point of view.  For instance, he may be angry because you promised to wash his superman cape and then forgot.  To you, he is being stubborn.  To him, he is justifiably upset, and you are being hypocritical, because he is not allowed to break his promises to you.  How do you clear this up and move on?  You apologize profusely for breaking your promise, you reassure him that you try very hard to keep your promises, and you go, together, to wash the cape.  You might even teach him how to wash his own clothes! Just consider how would you want to be treated, and treat him accordingly.

9. Discipline through the relationship, never through punishment. Kids don’t learn when they’re in the middle of a fight.  Like all of us, that’s when adrenaline is pumping and learning shuts off.  Kids behave because they want to please us.  The more you fight with and punish your child, the more you undermine her desire to please you.

10. Offer him respect and empathy. Most strong-willed children are fighting for respect.   If you offer it to them, they don’t need to fight to protect their position.  And, like the rest of us, it helps a lot if they feel understood.  If you see his point of view and think he's wrong -- for instance, he wants to wear the superman cape to synagogue and you think that's inappropriate -- you can still offer him empathy and meet him part way while you set the limit. "You love this cape and wish you could wear it, don't you?  But when we go to Temple we dress up, and we can't wear the cape.  I know you'll miss wearing it.  How about we take it with us so you can wear it on our way home?"

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One more thing, in a separate article "Helping Your Child With Anger," there are a couple of tips in it that REALLY struck home with me. We are guilty of doing this. I know now that's it's a bad idea and are going to approach these situations entirely different from now on.

3. Never send a child away to "calm down" by herself. Remember that kids need your love most when they "deserve it least." Instead of a "time out," which gives kids the message that they're all alone with these big, scary feelings, try a "time in," during which you stay with your child and help him move through his feelings.  You'll be amazed at how your child begins to show more self control when you adopt this practice, because he feels less helpless and alone.

4. Stay close and connected when your child is upset.  If you know what's going on, acknowledge it: "You are so angry that your tower fell." If you don't know, say what you see: "You are crying now." Give explicit permission: "It's ok, everyone needs to cry (or gets mad, or feels very sad) sometimes. I will stay right here while you get all your sads and mads out." If you can touch him, do so to maintain the connection: "Here's my hand on your back. You're safe. I'm here." If he yells at you to go away, say: "You want me to go away. I will step back like this. But I am right here. I won't leave you alone with these big scary feelings."

"Let's raise children who don't have to recover from their childhoods."

-Pam Leo